Rules for “Dating” in LA

A Handy Guide for Ladies Suffering the Unfortunate Circumstance of Attraction to Men

“Dating” is in quotes so that no one I’ve ever “dated” (translate: hooked up with, hung out with, seen, bedded, had sex with, etc., et al, in perpetuity) will think that I meant dated. As in, actually dated. I understand, it wasn’t even really “dating.” Because the first rule of dating in Los Angeles is: DO NOT refer to anything that resembles “dating” as DATING.

1. Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances think that you are dating a man. Not even if he called you to schedule a “date,” not if he came to your door, opened car doors for you, drove you to a public location for something strongly resembling a date, held out your chair, bought you dinner and drinks, asked to kiss you before doing so, held your hand in public, not even if you’ve had sex while looking into each other’s eyes, slept in each other’s arms/beds, or if he even said anything resembling “I’d like to take you out some time.” It’s not dating.
2. If a man who is putting his penis anywhere in/on/near your person introduces you to someone as a “friend,” you are not dating. (For example, he can’t just say “This is Marnie.” He says, “This is my friend, Marnie.”) If he feels he must qualify you as a friend, then he wants to make sure no one thinks you are dating and that you are nowhere near “girlfriend” or even “date-able” status.
3. If he drops an “L” bomb on you less than a month in, he might think you are dating. But you know that is not dating. That is someone who is dying to put a woman in his “girlfriend box.” If you are unwilling to go in to the “girlfriend box,” he will just move you into the “whore box.” You will know if this happens because instead of “L” bombs, he will ignore you for weeks or even months, and then send you raunchy booty texts out of nowhere.
4. Men have two boxes for women they fuck. Girlfriend and whore. Girlfriend is a high-status box which can in some cases, lead to the wife box. It fits inside, like Russian dolls! Girlfriends are adorable and can be introduced to friends and shown in couple-y pictures on Facebook. Whore is all-inclusive of whore, slut, tramp, skank, chick-I’m-hooking-up-with, friends with benefits, fuck buddy and so on. Whores get booty texts, dick pics, links to porn, and are generally kept in the shadows of a man’s life.
5. If a man uses any phrase that includes “best sex ever” or anything remotely resembling that in reference to you, you are in the whore box. Not the girlfriend box. The whore box. Remember this.
6. Even if you, as an intelligent female, firmly grasp the concept that there is a world of opportunity for two consenting adults to define a relationship however they please and in whatever way serves them and feels healthy and safe, know that a man who fucks you is eventually going to have to put you in one of his boxes. Girlfriend box. Whore box. Good luck with that. Both boxes suck. (Some men will also try to put you back into the “friend” box once they decide they don’t want to fuck you anymore but don’t want to sever ties, either because they are unwilling to completely let go or they are thinking later when they get a boner for you again you will touch it for him, even though you are “just friends.” Be wary of the “friend box” – being friend-zoned is bad enough before you’ve been intimate with a guy you like, but it is far worse AFTER you’ve been intimate with him and he discards you for greener pastures.)
7. If you engage in anything kinky early on, chances are good you are going straight to the whore box. You are dirty and fun, but not girlfriend potential.
8. Do not be fooled by a man saying anything like “I care about you,” “I’m not seeing anyone else,” or “I’m not bullshitting you.” What he means when he says these things is: “I care about putting my dick in you,” “I’m not seeing anyone else YET or right at this very moment because I haven’t found a better option than you,” and, “I am totally bullshitting myself so I think I’m telling you the truth.” Also, YOU ARE NOT DATING.
9. If you catch a man in any lie, he will spin it back on you and make it all about how you misunderstood everything.
10. Even if a man accidentally refers to anything you’ve done together as a date, you are not dating. If he slips up and refers to the two of you as a “couple,” you are not dating. Even if he says you are dating, it’s possible he is drunk or high or has a particularly persistent boner muddling his brain and later he will say “for the record, we weren’t dating, we were fucking.” Or something of that nature.
11. Even though a relationship can be defined as a “connection, association, or involvement,” men have an entirely different definition of it and if you have sex with him, he will immediately try to subject you to his definition. It’s a man’s world.
12. If he is putting his dick in/on/near your person and publicly claims he is not seeing anyone, or constantly talks about his single status on social media or directly to you, or compares himself to George Clooney, you are most certainly not dating.
13. If you are “hooking up” or “hanging out” with a man who lives in Los Angeles, chances are pretty good that you are not dating. The chances that you are not dating increase exponentially with the number of years the man has lived in Los Angeles. If he was born and raised in Los Angeles, DO NOT DATE HIM, even if he asks you on a date. You will later find out it was not a date.